The Rest Of The Story

OPERATOR: Thank you for calling the San Diego Padres. How may I direct your call?

JIM HENDRY: Gimme Sandy Alderson.

(Phone rings through, is picked up)

SANDY ALDERSON: Alderson here.


SA: Whoa! Who the hell is this?

JH: Jim Hendry, the guy who’s gonna meet you when you step off the plane next week in Orlando and positively beat your ass!

SA: Jim, what is your prob—Oh, wait. Is this about that newspaper thing?

JH: No, it’s about the you’re-a-raving-asshole thing. Of course it’s about the newspaper thing!

SA: The guy asked me a question and I answered it.

JH: Where do you get off talking about how WE spend OUR money? You’re just pissed because we’ve got it and you don’t.

SA: I’m pissed that you’re destroying the economics of the entire sport. Jesus Christ, Jim, you made the guy a billionaire!

JH: Get your facts straight, pal. We only made him 13.6% of a billionaire!

SA: It’s Alfonso Fucking Soriano we’re talking about! He washed out of the Japanese League, for crissakes. The guy couldn’t catch a cold and he swings at breaking balls like a drunk trying to nail a butterfly. You know what, Jimmy boy? He’s not gonna get you guys one inch closer to the World Series and you’re still gonna have to sell a whole lot of Beanie Baby dolls to pay him.

JH: Shows what you know, bitch. The Chicago Cubs don’t sell Beanie Babies. WE GIVE ‘EM AWAY!

SA: Okay. I’ve had enough.

JH: Sandy. Is that short for Sandra?

SA: Have a nice day. (Hangs up)

JH: Bitch.


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