OPERATOR: Thank you for calling the San Diego Padres. How may I direct your call?
JIM HENDRY: Gimme Sandy Alderson.
(Phone rings through, is picked up)
SANDY ALDERSON: Alderson here.
JH: YOU PRICK!
SA: Whoa! Who the hell is this?
JH: Jim Hendry, the guy who’s gonna meet you when you step off the plane next week in Orlando and positively beat your ass!
SA: Jim, what is your prob—Oh, wait. Is this about that newspaper thing?
JH: No, it’s about the you’re-a-raving-asshole thing. Of course it’s about the newspaper thing!
SA: The guy asked me a question and I answered it.
JH: Where do you get off talking about how WE spend OUR money? You’re just pissed because we’ve got it and you don’t.
SA: I’m pissed that you’re destroying the economics of the entire sport. Jesus Christ, Jim, you made the guy a billionaire!
JH: Get your facts straight, pal. We only made him 13.6% of a billionaire!
SA: It’s Alfonso Fucking Soriano we’re talking about! He washed out of the Japanese League, for crissakes. The guy couldn’t catch a cold and he swings at breaking balls like a drunk trying to nail a butterfly. You know what, Jimmy boy? He’s not gonna get you guys one inch closer to the World Series and you’re still gonna have to sell a whole lot of Beanie Baby dolls to pay him.
JH: Shows what you know, bitch. The Chicago Cubs don’t sell Beanie Babies. WE GIVE ‘EM AWAY!
SA: Okay. I’ve had enough.
JH: Sandy. Is that short for Sandra?
SA: Have a nice day. (Hangs up)